bittenburg

Hunnert Werds 'er So: This book tells the stories of three female friends, bound by eggnog, Christmas, and time. First is Jane, a New York obituary writer with a passion for shoes and casual sex. Unexpected news regarding her health, right around the holidays, changes her viewpoint on the world. Second, and a year later, is Ricki. Ricki has been living with her boyfriend for four years, and her boyfriend is still not divorced from his wife. Amid a turbulent relationship, they move to North Carolina and Ricki starts up a Christmas store, building on her passion for the holiday. But can her passion carry her through the rough times of her relationship? Last is Emma - a bank manager in a relationship with a loving man who is in for the surprise of her life.
Pages: 259
Author: Carly Alexander
Year Published: 2004

Summary:
We open the book with Jane, a jaded casual sex enthusiast who writes obituaries for a living. She attempts to write books about nothing, starts in the middle with no plot, and only eventually realizes this is not a good way to write a cohesive novel. We come into her story as she is fighting off a nasty sinus infection, complete with nostril-yuck descriptions.

Jane: Oh my nostrils are just BRIMMING with SALTY GREEN BOOGIES. Maybe I should go to the doctor! *adjusts her RALPH LAUREN polo shirt, thinks about getting it on with her manager*
Jane's friend, Emma: Probably.
( Read more... )

Reviewer's Notes: I have never, in my life, read a bigger load of tripe than this. This is awful, shallow, poorly-written, and stupid. I can't even think about anything funny to say it because was so awful, boring, and retarded. An unopened can of beans could hold my interest better than this book. I would enjoy clipping my toenails better than I would enjoy rereading this book. Thank god it was only a dollar, because if I had spent any more I may be tempted to brain myself in the head with said can of beans. What's in a can of beans? BEANS! And that's WAY more interesting than this book.
By the Numbers:
"Love" Scenes: NONE. NOT EVEN ONE TO BREAK UP THE AWFUL MONOTONY OF SHOES AND CHRISTMAS AND BANKING. Unless you get hot thinking about balance sheets (which I do...).
References to stolen/misplaced/otherwise lost virginity: 6 that I read. There may have been more.
Plot "Twists": None. This book was predictable, from rivers of snot to bouncing baby girl.
Number of Men Lusting After the Heroine(s): None. Not even the men themselves seemed to take much interest in these women.
Number of Mary Sue Incidents: 0. Not interesting enough.
Number of Fights/All Out Wars over the Heroine: 0. Not even when one of them got pseudo-raped.
Times "Fate" Intervened: 0. Fate has better things to do.
Times "Fate" Intervened by 500 or more miles: 0/0
References to "Manolo Blahniks": 75.

Overall Grade: F- (as in WTF???). It is a sad, sad day when I can't even say one remotely funny thing. This book was boring, predictable, and absolutely non-romantic. The characters are wooden and uninteresting, the plot line could be better written by a H/H shipper on acid. What's worse, eggnog didn't even feature very prominently, and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is a CRIME. Why, they should have been swilling eggnog throughout the book. When you have a title such as "The Eggnog Chronicles," I want a damn RECIPE, I don't want the main characters sipping at it every once and awhile, only mentioned as a thin plot device, I want them damned well SWIMMING in the stuff. Eggnog for breakfast, eggnog for lunch, dinner, over steak, fried eggnog, eggnog sandwich, eggnog ornaments, shoes made of eggnog, the works. WHERE IS THE EGGNOG?

Most interesting phrases used: (new category) "My eyes burned like pearl onions", "Christmas bulb earrings dangled in her ears, and I felt sorely tempted to stick her finger in a socket and light them up", "Was that the Big Dipper - or just a blinking satellite?", "'Ricki - hi honey. I just got to this level and Gollum is killing me.'" "'As we wait expectantly for God's surprises and good news, let us consider the trappings with which we surround ourselves, the ribbons and bows and glimmering lights. Amen.'" And Amen to you too, preacher-dude.