bittenburg

Women complaining about men hitting on them, while doing nothing to stop it, is about my top pet-peeve right now. Even above lip-smacking, compulsive knuckle-cracking, and clowns. In fact, it's the primary reason I don't log on to AIM anymore - I get three messages from three different people, all of whom are women and want to tell me about this guy who annoys them by making comments about how nice their asses are but never, ever, EVER say anything like "Fuck off" or "Why don't you come with me, and we'll talk about my ass over coffee with the manager?"

There are, as near as I can figure, three reasons for these complains. One, they need attention and for people to validate them by saying "OMG men are such pigs!". Two, they are trying to make a nearby guy (or friend) jealous. Three, they like it and are only complaining to show off how 'available' they are. Either way, someone needs to shut their pie-hole and take up a hobby.

People think being single is 'complicated'.

Let me tell you, it's a hell of a lot easier than being in a relationship. You don't have to figure out what to make for dinner when you want to try something with orange juice in it and he hates the idea. You don't have to figure out how to relate to other people while retaining proper 'I'm attached' space. You don't have to worry about some guy(s) crushing or falling in love with you because hey - that's a good thing. You can yell in the car when you're mad without someone saying, "Shh!". You can do crazy things like go buy a bottle of wine and drink it all and not feel bad you didn't leave any for someone else. You're not expected to clean up all the dishes by yourself simply because you're not working. You don't have to pick up dirty socks for the eighth time and stuff them back in the closet unless they're yours. You can have a whole bed all to yourself. I could go on.

Sometimes, being in a relationship makes you feel wonderful, other times, it makes you feel absolutely horrid (I'm having one of those days). You love the person, but Jesus Christ, you wish they would try looking at things from your POV. You wish they would quit with playing the defensive, sarcastic yarnface and just tell you what's going on in their head, tell you how they feel, and let you know what you can do to fix it (as a rational, thinking human being, I try to do that in the most non-threatening way possible, but it always backfires). You wish that some days you could just shake the person and say "Why aren't you listening to what I'm actually saying!?" and they would snap out of their defensive shell.
( Ms. Tea's Guide To Playing Nice With Others. )

I had a dream last night that I was stuck on a first-date (again) with the Count of Comino. Never, ever was I so glad to wake up and find H beside me. It struck me that I should make a list of the 10 most "interesting" first dates I've had, in the spirit of my Top Ten Most Embarassing Sexual Incidents, and because I can use some amusement just as much as you might. Yes, these all did happen, honest-to-god. Could anyone even make this stuff up?

#10: *sees the cowboy hat, cowboy boots, big-ass belt buckle with the likeness of the Confederate Flag stamped on it walking over, everyone in the uptown cafe staring* "Hey, are you (Ms. Tea)?" "Yes?" "Well hells bells woman, I'm your date!" (internally - "Did he just say... hells bells?")

#9: Me, nearly gagging with the sudden stench that overtook the car: "Phew! Do you smell something? It smells like something died in my backseat." Him, adjusting shirt: "I don't smell anything."

#8: Him: "C'mon, come in and say hello to my Mom." Me: "Well... okay." *walks into the house, sees crone-like Mother coming towards towards the front of the house* Mother: "You're not Catholic, are you? I can smell a Catholic from twenty feet away! Smell like those damn communion wafers..."

#7: "You're the count of what? Comino? The visiting dignitary gave you the Countship because you saved his life? Oh, and you're a fireman and a local politician as well? And you're into hard-core BDSM and want me as your slave-girl, but I'd have to be understanding of your reliance on Viagra? Uhm..... I'll call you." (author's note: sitting in a crowded cafe trying not to split into peals of slightly hysterical laughter after hearing all this is insanely difficult, and will result in stiff face muscles for days to come)

#6: Me: *recieves explanation about how the guy can control the weather and make lightning appear in his hands but by doing so conjured up a demon that haunts him* "Uh huh."

#5: Me: *receives explanation from completely unrelated guy about how he *seriously* controls the weather, can make lightning appear in a clear blue sky, how he is one of the greatest sorcerers the world has ever known and the evil sorcerer is trying to get him but he locked him away into a prison and the only requirement to keep the awful evil sorcerer from getting lose in the world is to stay chaste and never lay his hands on a woman which is why he hasn't dated in five years and OMG he has just violated that with me so now the evil awful sorcerer is going to try to kill him because he held my hand* "Uhm... sorry about that, then."

#4: Him: "I'm a vampire. Doesn't it make you nervous to go on a date with a vampire?" Me: "Yes, yes it does."

#3: Him: "I was kidnapped by aliens, I think. But I can't remember." Me: "Check, please!"

#2: Him and I: *watching 9 1/2 Weeks* His mother: *enters the room* Him: "Hey Mom! C'mon and watch with us! I have an empty cushion right next to me..."

#1: Him: *complicated explanation about how he inherited his Scottish Sean-Connery-ish accent from his Scottish grandfather once-removed because he stayed with them a couple of times in the summer of 1993* Me: *spies huge collection of Sean Connery's work in closet, autographed Sean Connery photo, large "James Bond" framed poster* "Ah. It all makes sense now."

#1: "OMG! Hi Mom!"

#2: "Uhm... I don't really do zucchini."

#3: "Ow! There's something under my back! Stop for a sec..." *retrieves object* "... Why is there a turkey baster in your bed?" *recieves explanation* "...Oh. I hope you don't use it for cooking, then."

#4: Me: "What is that?" Him: "It's a cock harness!" Me: *launches into a naked rendition of "Born Free", concluding with "Be Free, Little Penis, Be FREEEE!", completely oblivious to the fact the window is open and the blinds are not, in fact, drawn, which his neighbors later remind him of*

#5: "I'm not putting on a hood and letting you slick butter over my body while you rub it into my skin and pretend I am some sort of Love Idol. Sorry, it has to be margerine."

#6: "What's THAT??" *recieves explanation* "...Oh." *further explanation* "...Oh."

#7: Me: *shares a fantasy involving a girl who is a checker at one of the local grocery stores* Him: "... X grocery store?" Me: "Yeah." Him: "And her name is Jane?" Me: "That's what her nametag says." Him: "That's my sister."

#8: Him: *moans loudly* "Oh my goddddddddd." Me: *breaks out in hysterical laughter*

#9: Him: "That was so good. Better even than my mother's cherry pie!" Me: "...Uhm?"

#10: *wild making out in the car, I feel eyes boring into the back of my head, turn to look* Me: "Is that bum watching us?" Him: *looks* "And is he... masturbating!?"