bittenburg

There's only one thing about H that bothers me. Well, not 'bothers' as in it keeps me up at night, but just the one thing I would change about him, if I could.

It has to do with smell.

H is not usually an odiferous person. Oh, trust me, I've dated men who raise their armpits and the stench of the dead nearly blinds you, or men that smell like cigarette smoke and hot oil so strongly that you'd be in the middle of a JC Penny's perfume counter and wonder where the Eau de Garage was. But there's one thing that has been true about all the lovers I've had and kept, was that they always smelled nice. Like C. Of all the complaints I have of C, I don't have one about his personal odor. It was a little weird, at times, because he had like this... phobia of body odor, like if someone else caught a whiff of pit, he'd die of mortification. And frankly, sometimes it's downright sexy when a guy is sweaty and smelly. But C always had this undertone of this particular cologne he wore that suited him very well. He'd shave, and then put on the cologne, and after awhile, it was like a part of his particular scent. It was The Scent. It was quite delicious, really, not him but the smell. I used to hide my sweaters in his laundry so they would come out with that smell.

Or Bowling Guy. Bowling Guy was a general hunk of a man, but he had this scent. I asked him what he wore and he said Axe. I swear on the heavenly stars, it was something that made me want to rip his clothes off (at the time, of course). He worked full-time at a bowling alley and part-time at a garage, and I couldn't figure out how he kept from smelling like old shoes and hot oil, but he said (blushingly - there is nothing more becoming than a hard-talking man who blushes about his personal hygiene) he took a shower immediately after getting home and used (he coughed here, I had to ask him to repeat himself a couple of times) Dove Sensitive Skin body soap. Then, he shaved and sprayed a light mist of this Axe body-spray on himself (seriously, like woman-crack. I stole a shirt of his because it smelled like this stuff. I did eventually return it, but only after it lost its scent). It was again, The Scent.

So I think when I get some extra cash (and probably around a holiday), I'm going to get H some nice cologne, something he can wear as a sort of 'signature scent'. The Scent, if you will. He's already got everything else working for him (seriously, if he gained a little more upper-body muscle to fill out his shoulders a wee bit more, he would be totally Grade A Canadian Hunk. Right now he's maybe Grade A- Canadian Hunk), those big dark eyes and cleft in the chin and sexy lips and nice hands and perfect man-thighs (in fact, it may be just me, but he reminds me of Paul Gross from Due South, who was my very first TV crush). If he just had The Scent, oh god. I'd have to buy a bat to beat the women off of him.

And seriously. Guys? You want women to swoon over you, buy The Scent. You might need a woman friend to find The Scent, because it's hard to define. It's different for every guy, and every girl, really, but most women I know like a spicy, clean scent. Don't even LOOK at the Old Spice. I see you over there, thinking about it. Drop it. It may be cheap but it's no good. If you have to, go to the grocery store and pick up some Axe body spray. Yeah, it's like $8 for a bottle, but use it sparingly and it will last long enough. I myself prefer 'Kilo', but that's just me. Anyway, bring a woman friend along who knows you well and can identify your Scent. Pair this with a clean body (go light on the deoderizer on the pits, plz, there ain't nothin' worse than climbing into a man's arm only to find your nostils hijacked by GILLETTE SUPER STRONG PIT GEL), a light misting (or dabbing! Don't go overboard!) of The Scent, and clothes that smell ever-so-slightly of dryer sheets, and the women will become Goo. Especially if you're polite and decently modest and interesting. That is like Goo x 3.

SO REMEMBER! The Scent is like gold. Use it sparingly and consistantly, along with good hygiene, and you will reap (positively REAP) the rewards.